Your Options
Now that you have found out that you are going to be a father, there are several options that exist for you to seriously consider and weigh. Although you may feel overwhelmed, angry, denial, excitement, fear and/or stress; you need to try to clear your head and focus on making good decisions for this new life that is forming.

Parenting

You and the mother of the child may choose to parent the baby and raise it together. If you choose this option, you should start considering such things as prenatal care, expenses, living arrangements, careers, marriage, or joint custody and raising the child outside the context of marriage. A Safe Harbor Pregnancy Resource Center has many resources to help you make good decisions, with services specifically designed for men. Classes, mentoring, books, videos, and support groups are all available, along with care and baby supplies for the mother of your child and your baby. Choosing to father your child is a responsible decision that your child will benefit from in years to come, as well as during pregnancy and birth. We strive to make this unexpected pregnancy easier and even enjoyable for you and the mother.

Adoption

You and the mother of your child may decide to allow someone else to care for your child. There are many resources available to you. Please see Parenting Options for more information on adoption. Here are some common questions that fathers have concerning adoption:

1. I want to be involved with my child, but I’m not ready to parent. What are my choices?

Although it is painful to realize that you are not ready to parent at this time, it is mature to consider options. Marriage is a possibility; however, you must evaluate whether you would have married if the baby had not been conceived. If the baby’s mother decides to parent and has custody, you can request visitation so you can be involved in your child’s life. You and the child’s mother may also consider adoption and together make a plan for your baby’s future.
 

2. Will I get to see my child if my child is adopted?

Depending on the type of adoption selected, you may be able to make arrangements to visit your baby. This is called an "open adoption."
 

3. Will my child know anything about me?

Again, depending on the adoption type, your child can know you from photos, videos, letters, and even meetings in person.
 

4. Will my child wonder if I ever loved him or her?

This is why communication through a letter, explaining the difficulty and sacrifice of adoption is important for your child to read and have. You are caring enough about your child to give him or her every opportunity possible that a stable, loving family can provide.

Abortion
In today’s society, men are becoming more and more involved with raising their children. Ironically, they are being denied the right to be involved in life-or-death decisions affecting their unborn children, such as abortion.

This powerlessness takes it toll not only on the male self-image, but may bring on role conflict, anger/rage, extreme guilt, and often the end of the relationship with the mother of the child.

Many men often describe the abortion experience as bewildering and painful beyond their ability to cope with these many emotions. In one study, three out of four men reported that they had a difficult time with the abortion and others reported consistent day and night dreams about the child that never was, with guilt, sadness, and remorse.

There is unfortunately a double standard with abortion. While the right to choose or not choose future motherhood is guaranteed, the right to insist on future fatherhood is not.

If you are concerned about abortion, you are wise to be worried. A woman usually makes the difficult decision to have an abortion because she is afraid to face the pregnancy and child rearing alone, especially if she doesn’t feel supported by her family or you. Abortion may seem to be a quick and easy way of handling an unexpected pregnancy. However, abortions may leave long-lasting emotional scars, as well as possible physical problems. Abortion ends the life of an unborn child and may cause you and your girlfriend to experience many feelings of grief and loss. As the father, you may not always have legal means of interfering with an abortion, although you can attempt to gain a court order, but you can always encourage your girlfriend to talk with a counselor. Your strong support at this emotional time is crucial! A Safe Harbor Pregnancy Resource Center has both counselors and trained volunteers who are ready to assist you.

Supporting Her
In discovering that you are a father, there are many issues to consider with the mother of your child. This section will help to answer many of your concerns about your possible roles in your baby’s life.

1. Are home pregnancy tests reliable? How can we find out if my girlfriend is really pregnant?

Home pregnancy tests are generally accurate, but your girlfriend should see a doctor to be sure. A Safe Harbor Pregnancy Resource Center provides self-administered free pregnancy tests and limited ultrasounds to confirm the pregnancy.
 

1. My girlfriend is pregnant and won’t discuss her plans. How can I get her to include me?

Your girlfriend may exclude you from her decision because she feels hurt and angry. You may need to reassure her that you care about her and the baby. If you are sensitive to her needs, she will be more likely to involve you in future plans. If it is mutually agreeable, a counselor will meet with you and your girlfriend to help you make a plan for your child’s future.
 

1. Just because my girlfriend and I stopped seeing each other doesn’t mean I don’t care about my baby. She says if I want the baby, she comes along too. How do I handle this?
   
   A Safe Harbor Pregnancy Resource Center’s trained staff can help you work together and make a plan that takes care of the baby, even if the two of you can’t agree on anything else. The more communication there is between you, the fewer complications there may be in your child’s life. All of your contacts with Safe Harbor Pregnancy Resource Center are kept confidential.

Rights and Responsibilties
As the father of the baby, you have several rights and responsibilities to consider. Here are common questions from the male perspective.

What legal responsibilties and rights will have if my girlfriend decides to parent?

In most states, if your girlfriend chooses parenting, you are required to pay child support until the child is 18 years old. Consult with an attorney or your county Friend of the Court office to learn specific details about your rights and responsibilities, filing for paternity, and other legal issues. Most states have a child support enforcement agency which will withhold money from your paycheck if you are unwilling to pay. Your support record may influence court decisions about custody and visitation rights.

In some states, your name is not even put on the birth certificate unless you request it. If you sign a notarized paternity affidavit, you may have legal rights, possibly including visitation and the right to deny or consent to medical decisions for your child. You can begin this process by petitioning the court system and Children’s Services for help.

Abortion information cited from "Forgotten Fathers: Men and Abortion" by Vincent Rue, PhD, Life Cycle Books. Adoption and Responsibility information cited from Bethany Christian Services, Bethany.org.